生活的起起落落

incredibellium @ 2009-03-22T22:23:00

2009-03-22T14:26:04Z

I have decided to change my LJ account to simply h_o_n_g... and my new blog address is h-o-n-g.livejournal.com.

Check it out for the first brand new post.

I havent done stuff like update profile, add friends, change blogskin and what not. That's not what a normal person does on the night before a 3 week confinement. So... well... we'll see.

Add me when you feel like it then. I'll add back when I feel like it too. lol.

incredibellium @ 2009-01-08T21:59:00

2009-01-08T14:13:56Z

In some tribe in Africa, the boys have to go through a rite of passage in order to enter manhood, and it involves being whipped by a challenger male without flinching or moving one's feet. In Singapore, the boys' rite of passage involves a lot of crying mothers, a shaved head and liberal spewing of vulgarities.

It doesn't feel like it is going to happen tomorrow. Maybe I need the sudden increase in the sight of the color green, or the total elimination of female presence, or the sight of crying mothers.

I admit I really want to see mothers cry. Not my mother though.

It feels like going to school for the first time. I remember when I was a little sec one kid who did not attend orientation, and I could feel the palpitations of my heart in my tongue when I walked into Chinese High. The unfamiliar faces. The unfamiliar yet expectant looking faces. It is not like anything bad is going to happen. But you don't know what is going to happen. That's the scary part. I just hope the transition is smooth.

Afterall, it is a rite of passage.

incredibellium @ 2008-09-22T00:18:00

2008-09-21T16:47:32Z

I finished tang xin feng bao liao. I feel very empty now. I laugh and cry, then laugh and cry again. I kind of anticipated all the twists and turns, esp cuz the way the story turns out makes things rather predictable. But still, in the midst of the high drama, the dialogue remains meaningful and touching.

That's not really the point of this post.

I can't really remember why I wanted to watch this drama so badly. It was a blur between before prelims, during mugging, during prelims itself and after that. There were a lot of things going on in my mind and I simply do not have time to really sort myself out nicely. I tried to find a lot of reasons and excuses for myself to convince that I wanted to watch the drama simply because so many people say it is good and I needed that kind of therapy.

I guess I should stop kidding myself. I know what the real reason is.

It makes me feel pathetic, knowing how my psyche works. It makes me feel like I am this weak person who cannot deal with the mess that I always create for myself. It makes me feel like I am just playing the escapist again, pulling myself into a comfortable position and just not putting a direct stop to everything. Honestly, everything is going to end very soon and most things will be left hanging... and I know I cannot bear to let go, knowing that it is so late... but there is nothing else I can do.

Although I really did have to go eat with my godmother, and attend my grandfather's birthday dinner, but I was also secretly glad that I didn't have to go out and socialize. I was glad I missed Class BBQ and Rachel's party. I hate BBQs. I hate the fire. I hate the smell of ashes and nature mixed together. I hate to socialize and make jokes and be happy when they are such surface emotions.

I think I am becoming more cranky and psychotic. I am turning into a self-contained monster just waiting to burst into the world. Tang Xin Feng Bao was a weird way of escapism for me, as if I could suddenly establish a connection again in a weird way.

This way of escapism really makes me feel like I am sick in the mind.

incredibellium @ 2008-09-17T22:05:00

2008-09-17T14:32:58Z

Prelims ended and I have nothing interesting in my life to report. Contrary to other people's blog posts about their various escapades and revelations, I shall dedicate my post-prelims post to express my gratitude.

1) A very big thank you to Choons and Audrey for accompanying me in the Reading Room days. I actually find the presence of friends defeats the entire purpose of studying in the reading room. I don't exactly have a very strong mind and so I am very open to various distractions, friends being one of them. In any case, it is nice that I actually have friends in these dark times. Thanks Choons for your math and lit notes. Thanks Audrey for... erm... scolding me about my slowness in History.

2) Thank you Shimin for being sort of a confidante in times of doubt and providing so many notes for me. You are truly a mugger that I aspire to morph into in the coming weeks.

3) Thank you Yi Cheng for all the econs notes and pointers about exams. I was never an exams-oriented person and I either got through based on luck or concepts. I guess in college relying on these things are not gonna help me much... and thanks for that.

4) Thank you Sua, Lilong, Jijo, Jianyi and Melvin for spending the Beijing Day with me. I badly needed that day to be perfect and although it might not seem like a lot, but I honestly badly needed some form of escape and to regain part of my consciousness. And Beijing Day did just that.

5) Thank you Yonghao for being my friend for these few months and honestly becoming somebody I could depend on.

6) Thank you Hazel. Although I still didn't do very well for econs.

7) Thank you Miss Tee and Mrs Chua for being such nice Math teachers who go beyond the code of duty and had become such nice friends of mine. Although Miss Tee forced me to go print my entry proof and I wasted 10 mins in the Stats paper that I thought had very well cost me my A... I still thank you for making me learn the lesson I would not have otherwise learnt from my HP tutors.

8) Thank you Cherrylene, Hannah, Qianling, Kylie, Laiyee, Brittany, Yin g, Jianyang, Alan, Rachel, Zhang, Marcus, ShangDa, Claire, Sihui, Darell... I guess you all kinda helped somehow..

9) Thank you Hot Drinks Store auntie who had become the one and only source of entertainment for myself everyday. I am beginning to see some progression through my daily flirtation with her and I believe that our relationship would truly blossom and soar to new frontiers. I had become her confidante and she had become mine. She would lament to me about how they didn't manage to secure the re-allocation of the store to them and would have to leave after this year. She would lament about how her son's teacher had been complaining about his bad handwriting. I would lament to her how I suffer from insomnia and require her milk tea to recharge my sense. She would tell me how she used to 开夜车 back in the days when she was studying, and would be hiding in the corner of her Attap house 埋头苦读-ing and would dip her head into a basin of water whenever she feels sleepy. I told her I had problems remembering history. She told me she used to study till late in the night and would get full marks for her 中国史 paper. She is a Pei Chun alumnus. We appear to be destined for each other. The fact that my Primary School is directly beside hers is a sign that our fate had been cemented and carved in stone, and she will forever be the legendary Wang Yue Gu lookalike Hot Drinks Store Auntie who is truly HOT.

OK... most of the people listed here would probably not get to read this. But whatever. Maybe I shall add Hot Drinks Store Auntie on my LJ friends list. She prolly doesn't have one. I will create one for her. Following the legacy of Rainbowpocky... perhaps she should be called OheyaBBQflavour or AppleCrumble or simply KopiO.

OK my lameness is pissing myself off.

incredibellium @ 2008-09-12T12:27:00

2008-09-12T05:11:35Z

How would one rate one's prelims experience? The last time I did a prelims was in P6, and the only thing I can remember fairly well from that time is my centre-parted hair and my obsession with this girl. Oh... and PSLE was the first time I encountered A3-sized paper.

And now... prelims is such a brand new experience for me. So what really defines one's prelims experience? The stress? The insomnia? The dreams about the Marginal Efficiency of Investment curve? You wake up halfway through the night and you realise you forgot how to spell the name of Soviet Foreign Minister Shevardnadze? Or the realization that you should have started studying much earlier, and that you should have spent the hours you spent watching the republican national convention on actual mugging?

The ultimate prelim experience is all of the above, but so much more. I feel this constant contradictory feeling. My hand aches so much I want to use my left hand if I could. No matter how little time I have I still want to make my kinked demand curve look as kinky as possible.

I just suffered the historic setback. I studied like mad for Cold War, knowing that I know the topic inside-out and can rock at it. I aimed to do 2 Cold War questions. Then he tested on "the global consequences of the end of the cold war", something he did not teach and nobody knew they actually had notes on. In the end you are supposed to use the UN notes to answer that question, and you actually consider that a Cold War question. So I could only do 1 and I spent the whole of the afternoon and evening yesterday memorising Korean War and Cuban Missile Crisis and Perestroika and Reagan Doctrine. I can tell you that Us military budget increase from 171to 376 billion. I can tell you Soviets aimed to increase military spending by 45%, but got no money and military budget even dropped in 1988. I can tell you all the weird Russian names I've memorized.. from Andropov to Bakatin to Chevnenko... but none of them matter in the end... and the only Russian name I wrote in my essay was Stalin. And then I had to do the Islamic Fundamentalism question which I read but did not memorize... and I could only write 3 pages on. Then I realised after the paper it was not a factor specific question and I could have crapped so much more. And now I despair.

That paper was a C paper. And I was aiming for History A. And so I have to totally rock at my South-east Asia paper on tuesday. On my way through I have deal with regression lines and the graph of f '(x).

But the contradictory feeling lingers. I am hungry now but I have no appetite. I actually went to bed last night 10, hoping to wake up at 1.30 to study Arab-Israeli. I didn't sleep at all. My mind was continuously swimming with images of Soviet Missiles disguised as Palm trees and I was involuntarily recalling the consequences of the Suez Crisis. I waited to fall asleep, only to hear the alarm ring and I had to bring myself to get up and start mugging again. I read and wrote down notes but nothing was getting in because I was sleepy. I went to sleep again but my mind was thinking about the Grapes of Wrath bombings by Israel. I got up to mug again but I was too tired to get anything into my head. To be tired but you are not able to sleep... that is the same as not having an appetite although you are hungry.

And then I came to school and I felt this withdrawal symptom like my heart was going to literally pop out. I dumped my bag in LT5 and went to puke out my Milo and New Moon Chicken Essence. And then I was just dizzy but my adrenaline was still pumping and I couldn't think straight, as if all the things I memorized came out together with the puke.

Yea... so that is my ultimate prelims experience. It is so much more agonizing than Econs Paper 1,although Econs might have been more dramatic. I really wonder why and how I put myself through all these. It really sucks to know that you could have answered any other Cold War question perfectly, but you couldn't cuz the only thing you couldn't have studied for came out. It sucks to know that the history syllabus is so wide that there are simply no boundaries to the things they can test you on, and that A Levels could well have more than 2 questions that we have not been taught before. And then I realised how free I would feel if I just took my passport and cross the causeway and just cycle my way to London or something. Then I realised it sux to waste the past 12 years of your life studying then. Then I realised it sux anyway.

I have 3 more papers left... and that is probably more than most people. One math, one history, one literature. I know I havent done as well as I would want to for each of the first papers of each subject, but I am really not going to take my chances. Yuen Pak Man got 13/25 for one of his history essays last yr, but he rebounded cuz he got 24/25 for another. I counted... if I could get 50+ marks for statistics section, I would probably get an A for math, assuming the other paper was a B. And literature... well... burge Literature is so much more muggable.

5 more days. 3 papers. 1 dream.

And now. we mug.

incredibellium @ 2008-08-27T23:09:00

2008-08-27T16:09:01Z

I am very stressed.

Everybody who saw me today think I am in some tsrance-like state. Miss Tee had to give me a pep talk. Mrs Chua had to offer to buy me breakfast. Yonghao had to calm me down when I realised I forgot to bring my Cold War stuff to school today. Laiyee probably thought I was going to jump off the ledge in front of reading room. Aileen had to offer me more nacho cheese for free.

To salvage however little bit of sanity I have left within me. I shall engage in discussion about the random stuff in life.

1) My computer got infected by a whole load of adware and spyware a few days ago. I wasn't bothered at all by the fact that I ended up not being able to read my email for 3 consecutive days. Instead, I was kind of intrigued by the utter nonsensical nature of the adware. Basically adware is a kinda trojan virus that introduces random pop-ups whenever u are online, and will prevent you from accessing websites properly by directing you to another page whenever you try to go on some website. The thing is, whenever I go on hotmail, the virus will direct me to this page that says me computer is in danger of virus attacks and then they provided a link to website to download a software to remove the viruses. Paradoxically, it means that it is actually a virus that tells you to download something to remove itself!! It is also interesting to note that whenever i click on the link to download that software, I will be re-directed to the same page that tells me I am in danger of virus attacks again. Which also means that the adware had totally defeated its purpose of getting people to buy their software.... this is just lame.

Anyway... with me extremely abled mind, I have successfully wiped out the virus and can safely use my computer again.

2) I think my Beijing blues are not going to go away very soon. For GP, I wrote the politician, idealism VS pragmatism essay. But example of political diplomacy and concession was actually Beijing 2008 that saw most number of delegations and various ideas of boycotting the games were quickly dispelled, and also the police control of the Free Tibet protests in Western countries. Then, for AQ, I wrote that people like Li Jiawei and Tao Li had also gained celebrity status with substance rather than image, and had used their fame to good use... like appearing on the Milo packet.

Academic stuff aside, the Beijing spirit seems to be following me around. Through my everyday interaction with the Hot Drinks Stall vendors (cuz I buy their milk tea everyday), it has come to my attention that the stall's auntie is a splitting image of Wang Yue Gu!!! Honestly, if anybody is studying in school and felt quite tired and bored, just go to the stall and buy the milk tea just to catch a glimpse of the Singaporean athlete in action!! To have an Olympic Silver Medallist make tea for you might actually be one of the defining moments in one's life!! I am truly honoured to be a faithful costumer to that stall.

I also would like to proclaim that many people, publications, radio and television stations had identified their own respective Favourite Olympic Moments. Some say it is the Opening Ceremony, some say it's Michael Phelps, some say it is the Silver Medal, some say it is Usain Bolt. Some even said it was Nastia Lukin's legs. For me, I thought long and hard, and I thought that I would have chosen the respective victories of the Chinese Male and Female Gymnastics Team. Then I realised that actually my favourite Olympic moment was actually not an Olympic moment at all!! I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed the public bitching by the STTA ~~slut~~ Chairperson. How many times do you get to see such strong display of emotions in an interview with a public figure? How many times do you get to see somebody lambasting another other people on national television? How many times do you get to see these embarassing footages OVER AND OVER AND OVER again on tv?! I really think that if there was one person to fire, it would be her. BUT STILL... she is too fun to let go off so soon... everybody loves a villain.

3) If there was one thing that brightened my day after the unexpectedly tough GP paper, it was none other than DORIS DAVIES. Forget Aretha Franklin, forget Donna Summers forget Michalle Obama... because DORIS DAVIES IS IN DA HOUSE. Flown in all the way from sunny Ithaca, New York, Doris Davies totally brought da house down and blew us away with her amazing performance of "And I Am Telling You You're Going to Cornell". DORIS DAVIES had proven that she might be big, BUT HER TALENT IS BIGGER. Her stunning presence in the Career Guidance Room was enough to even Oprah a run for her money. Her astounding delivery was truly captivating, and to say that she ended off on a high note would be a gross understatement. I mean... She immediately exuded such amount of star quality when everybody in the room were so eager to write down her email address. EMAIL ADDRESS!! SHE IS GIVING PEOPLE HER EMAIL!! Which diva in the world does that?! She had truly proven herself to be more than just undisputed Queen of Soul, but also to be a role model for all those talentless singers whose names start with the letter "M" and ends with "iley". I am applying for Cornell just to set up a DORIS DAVIES fan club there.

OK... that's sufficiently stress-relieving. I need to go back to reality. Time is seriously running out and I really do not have the time to feel stressed. I really need to just get down to business and work. I feel like I dun have the ability to make good judgements anymore as I approach the final few days. And I think I really am about to have a mental breakdown. I keep having this image of me standing in front of traffic and just have myself get run over my passing vehicles over and over again. It is a subconscious imagery that keeps flashing through my mind. Technically, it is not physically possible to stand there and get run over countless times. One usually just gets run over once and then a lot of kay-po aunties will start crowding around your bleeding body. In this image, I just get run over again and again. It is not even a dream. It is like... just an image.

Ok, now goodbye... for now

incredibellium @ 2008-08-24T22:23:00

2008-08-24T15:09:27Z

I feel the presence when I mug. It's like someone just sitting right across me looking at me. And then I will feel relaxed and motivated.

I should do this more often. I really hope it works in making my productivity a lot higher. At this rate, I desperately need a new surge of motivation.

Anyway, I totally despise London 2012. This is their first REAL shot at redeeming themselves from the awesomely awful logo when all the world's eyes are on them. All they had was this indian girl come out of the double-decker bus, take a ball and then go back in again. Then Leona Lewis sings and bops around with an old man and then Beckham appears to get another at Hollywood fame and all he did was kick the ball straight at some chinese guy. Sydney 2000 showcased their aboriginal culture. Athens 2004 highlighted their Greek mythology and ancient civilization. Beijing 2008 was a tribute to Chinese art, culture and spirit. And then London took their few minutes in the closing ceremony to have a few people dance with newspapers and briefcases, and then there were a few people riding bicycles around the double-decker. If the double-decker bus and busy urban working class is the epitome of British culture, then I am not sure how Great is Great Britain.

Honestly, even USA had Red Indians raise the American flag in the opening ceremony of Salt Lake City 2006. USA has NO culture. American culture is capitalism. American culture is likening the olympic cauldron of Atlanta 1996 to a Macdonald's French Fries holder. If they can still have something like Red Indian raise the American flag, then the British needs to seriously rethink about what they are trying to portray with their own olympics. Already people are despising the logo (and I don't blame them). I don't think angmohs would wanna admit defeat to the Chinese so easily.

Anyway, Beijing 2008 had ended and I am very sad. I wanna see more Fuwas dance. I wanna see more gymnastics. I wanna see my athletes cry. Damn it.

Anyway, I think a great part of why I like the Beijing olympics so much is because of the gargantuan amount of artistic work that had been devoted to the games. From the very meaningful logo, to the architectural grandeur of the Bird's nest, to the opening ceremony, medals, costumes, torch, mascots... they are all such artistic pieces of work. These things are gonna be forever identifiable to the people of the world and are true examples of the fusion of ancient chiense culture and modern times.

Anyway, to accentuate my despisal for the angmohs in UK, I will show you the London 2012 logo.

Some defended the logo and said that it is what people feel about London. It is hip and young and full of people blending the traditional culture with the new technology savvy world today. Some people said that there is a torch imagery somewhere that I cannot find. Personally, since I am an avid supporter of things like the olympics, I felt a strong need to justify why the logo is like that when I first saw it. I actually thought it looked like the Griffin, which would tie in quite well with the whole ancient culture meets modernity theme. I was actually quite determined to think that it is a Griffin that also happens to look like the number 2012 until I read Wikipedia.

"It was noted that the logo resembles an image of the cartoon character Lisa Simpson performing fellatio"

And now I cannot get the imagery out of my head.

imprints and traces

2008-08-21T16:22:42Z

Welcome Jerry Hong, here is your handwriting analysis.

Jerry has difficulty making decisions. His mind changes constantly. He lives in an emotional tug of war. Jerry could be described like a thermometer. Today warm and friendly, yet tomorrow he may be distant and cold, not wanting to be close to anyone.

Some research indicates that people with a severe variety in the slant of their handwriting have an inability to tolerate sugar and are suffering the side-effects of too much sugar in their diet. If moods swings are a reoccurring issue, investigate the diet.

If Jerry encounters a situation he cannot handle he frequently pulls into himself. He feels his emotions are secure if he is withdrawn. When he has solved the problem he can be very outgoing and again need other people's companionship. Some see Jerry as very moody, but it it would be more accurate to say he has two complete personalities that he chooses depending on the circumstance. This type of person is often hard to understand because no one knows what personality he is exhibiting today. He may not be bothered by something one minute, then the next minute become upset at the same thing. It is very difficult to pin down Jerry's emotional expressiveness.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Jerry doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Jerry will be candid and direct when expressing his opinion. He will tell them what he thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want his opinion, don't ask for it!

Jerry can be defiant. He sometimes has the attitude that if someone doesn't like it the way he is doing it, then they can just "go to hell!" This trait may reveal itself in a rebellious nature that is always ready to resist forces which he thinks are infringing upon his freedom of action.

Because Jerry has zigzagged shaped 'm' and 'n' hump, Jerry is an analytical thinker. His mind sifts and examines facts. He interprets all facts by separating them, breaking them down, and organizing them from a critical point of view. This pattern of clarifying facts contributes to his strong reasoning ability. Jerry's mind is constantly analyzing all situations that he encounters.

Jerry is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect his ego when he feels hurt. He pokes people harder than he gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Jerry has a tendency to put things off, Jerry procrastinates. He sometimes pretends to be busy, so he will not have to do whatever he is putting off. He is often late to appointments or deadlines. This usually leads to a great amount of effort at the last minute to meet the deadline. Procrastination is an important factor as it relates to his output on the job or at school. Remember, Jerry will put it off until later. Procrastination is easily overcome through a simple stroke adjustment in the handwriting.

Something is incomplete in Jerry's life. He feels frustration relating to his physical needs and desires. Somewhere in his life there is some disappointment, non-fulfillment, and interruption. This is very likely to relate to Jerry's sexual needs.

Jerry has difficulty trusting anyone. In fact, he trusts no one completely. This is a result of his trust being betrayed in the past. He has closed up, thus ceasing to allow close friendships. Jerry truly wants close friends and desires physical relationships, but he fears he will get hurt, again. He is lonely, yet has a crying need for close friends. This trait can cause much unhappiness. However, it can be changed.

Jerry is selective when picking friends. He does not trust everyone. He has a select group of people that are truly close to him, usually two or three. He is careful when choosing his inner circle of friends.

Having my handwriting stripped down and scrutinized to such detail is extremely painful. Makes me feel naked and exposed. It's amazing how it can be so revealing. I once again feel ashamed that I seem to be such a simple person to crack. And yet simplicity here isn't much of a good thing. I reckon all these traits are not entirely desireable.

I ransacked the 2 HP classrooms today looking for something interesting to examine when I became too bored of Chinese communism and NSC-68. There is a pair of fake adidas black shoes in the TV cupboard in A15. I found the 05A14 class journal, which the grandseniors were looking for (but didn't manage to find) last year during A Levels results release. I found my Apollo jacket which had been stepped on countless times and I would never wanna bring home. Old PE shirts. Abandoned History readings. Bernice Ang's KI crap.

People leave things behind. People leave their traces behind. While people might go their seperate ways, these objects stay behind in the classrooms, giving testament to their legacy and telling each of their different stories. When A15 classroom was stuffed with bottles of syrup. When we danced fac dance till there's no tomorrow. When Barnard gave out the HP scholarships in A15 classroom. When I sat outside A14 classroom in the evening before Math promos, heart racing, wishing I hadn't ponned so many lectures, wishing I hadn't detested Esther Chin so much.

And now I am here. These memories will readily fade away. They are in the recycling bin of my brain. They are there waiting to be replaced by other deleted and discarded memories. They are parts of my life I don't really wish to remember. They are not stored in any particular folder. They are just in the recycling bin. Never to be restored. Waiting for time and memory to erase them into virtual non-existence.

But these objects will be there. I will not remember them, but they might remember me. My discarded Apollo jacket will still be for months to come. I will forget about it, but that jackets will always have my name on it. As much as time amd memory might take away all the pain and all the worries and all the random shits that had happen in these 2 years, these traces will still be there.

I speak as if it had all ended already. Haunting as they may be, imprints and traces of everything will find their own ways to creep back to you. Time and memory can only take you momentarily away. But the legacy would remain. No, we couldn't see Choonyen's ugly hair in sec3. All we could see were the wonderful memories of our sec 3 year. No, I will not find my way back to my J2 year 20 years only to find nothing but blank memories, empty hearts and fruitless friendships.

I will end it off with a blast.

20082008

2008-08-20T15:54:46Z

1: Today is the last day of normal lesson school day and considering its huge significance, it was badly spent. Not that I expected anything more than just mugging, but when I found out that other classes had like pizza parties, or going swimming or something. I would have to at least have like just a longer-than-usual lunch with classmates at the canteen or something. It would have been better than nothing. I mean, we didn't even take picture at our last Math Lecture. That was quite sad. That was really sad. I was really disappointed.

On hindside, today affirmed a lot of things. Marcus remains nearly the nicest person on earth. Brit is as crazy yet real as she was. There are just some people that I've known in these 2 years whom I don't necessarily have to talk to or interact with everyday to know that they will be my friends for a long time. This is contrary to other people whom I talk to almost everyday. It is pleasing to know that AT LEAST I think I will still have a couple of lasting friends from HP. I've concluded that I have chosen the right table to sit with during prom.

Also, mugging with Choon Yen, Ben Poh and Audrey (who left rather early) in the classroom was quite nice. I don't like to mug in a stressful environment. That few hours were moments I've felt the least stress in a very long time. Those are the moments that I've learned to cherish and remember for a long time. It may not seem quite significant to other people, but maybe I am just liddat in my own way. Maybe I am that much of a loser.

2: Today I was supposed to write teachers' day cards for the Nepal teachers. I suddenly realised that it had been over 3 months since our return to Singapore. Time really flew by so quicky this year. I suddenly felt very guilty not to have posted a real post about Nepal yet. I doubt I ever will. But still, I hope those memories will stay with me for as long as possible. The trip, as I've said, has revived so much within me that I came back feeling so recharged.

I really wonder how much of the Nepal state of mind have I managed to retain at this point of time. I feel tired everyday. Every day I feel the need to mug but I always cannot fulfil the things I set out to do in a day and I always sleep early or whatever. I feel tired everyday and I am increasingly thinking about weird stuff that well... I should never be thinking about 19 days to Prelims.

I need discipine...

I was watching Ch U when I was eating my dinner and there was this show about people with the same birth dates. They featured this Singaporean girl and a Cambodian boy with the same birth date but very different kinds of lives. Albeit the cheesy lines about how we are all so lucky to be in Singapore and what shit, the Cambodian boy's lives actually reminded me of the people in Nepal and all the memories started flooding in. In particular, the boy's brother looked like the "Claire Soon" in my class. In any case, I realised I left a big part of myself in Nepal and I need to get that back so that I can run the final leg to the Prelims smoothly.

I can only envisage success at the prelims at this point. I really cannot handle a result without a single A. I need to pia. I need the strength to pia. Hope I can find the strength soon enough.

Mad about Chinese

2008-08-11T14:43:15Z

The past few days had been rather eventful, although not fruitful. As such they deserve a mandatory post:

Mad About English and Beijing Olympics opening ceremony had eternally solidified my love for China and for my Chinese identity. Forget the racial slurs. Forget the physical disadvantages like smaller physique and smaller penises. We are people who show real spirit and real love for what we are and what we do. I am not saying that we are the only people who are proud of ourselves. I mean the Americans are immensely proud of themselves. The thing is, we like share our love. The Chinese are no longer righteous and they no longer really believe that they are the "Middle Kingdom" anymore. Instead, they strive to learn from the world and become better. Although proud of their own heritage, Chinese people are the only race who constantly strive to learn from mistakes and at the same time, still remain as one.

Let's take a few things for example. Stef Sun sang in a few of the Beijing songs. 2 of which she sang with 3 other people. It so happens that these songs are meant to fully represent the Chinese race in general. For example, She sang 站起来 with LeeHom representing Chinese Taipei, Jackie Chan representing Chinese HongKong, and Han Hong for PRC China. Stef Sun, of course, represents Singapore. I read in another report that Singapore got a warmer reception during the opening ceremony (although no exactly noticeable when I watched the telecast) primarily because we were regarded by the Chinese as a Chinese community. It amazes me how the Chinese really think of themselves as the Chinese race other than PRC, but it also makes me feel a wee bit more involved with the games. The whole point of sharing the pride of Beijing 2008 also ignites this sense of camaraderie that is really evident in our race. This just affirms how imperative it is to hold on to Chinese Taipei and not let it slip into independence. It is not about prestige or solidarity anymore. It is really about the Chinese race. There absolutely cannot be another Chinese nation. There can only be one and only one. I suddenly feel it is my personal duty to not despise PRCs now. At least not for these 16 days.

I downloaded the CCTV version of the opening ceremony cuz I wanted to hear the view of the Chinese commentators. Apparently this version cuts to more shots at the audience. When the little girl sang the patriotic song, a few people in the audeince were already tearing and when they sang the Chinese national anthem, even more people were tearing. Honestly, I think to host the most anticipated Olympics ever is a massive achievement. To have such a spectacular opening is even more stirring. Until now, it still don't know how they manage to hoist the Olympic Rings into the air. When I watched the sequence again, there were genuine screams of disbelief at the astounding feat. The opening ceremony must have been an incredible display of China's heritage and pride. I really wonder how it is like crying because of patriotic pride for a nation. I may never know. Or maybe I will cry for the wrong country.

There were several moments that had affirmed my love for China when I watched the Olympics on tv. When best Chinese female gymnast on the poles fell during the preliminaries and possibly lose her shot at gold medal, she cried her eyes out. The Chinese crowd cheered even louder to spur her on and she cried even more as her teammates consoled her, and she started to wave at the crowd while tearing. I felt her pain. She must have felt that she really let her 祖国 down. (on the side note, I don't even think I can count Singapore as my 祖国, I mean, my father was kinda conceived in China... cuz my Grandma was pregnant when she came to Singapore... so yea... using that term is a wee bit dodgy)
Another moment: A Colombian weightlifter was feeling immense pressure when he couldn't even lift a 131kg weight off the ground. Normally you fail when you lift it up but let go of it again. But this is an extreme scenario when he couldn't even lift it off the ground. He was facing tonnes of pressure and humiliation as he tried time and time again. He was showing a lot of emotions on his face and the crowd cheered the loudest they ever did (even louder than for the Chinese weightlifters) to spur him on. In the end, he failed, and he went backstage to cry cuz of his immense humiliation... but still... I thought the Chinese audience showed great sportmanship and truly "One World, One Dream".

The Chinese team show that they are really doing this as a team for their country. The gymnasts work as a team to clinch as many golds as possible. The syncronized diving people need to work together so damn well. Chinese supremacy in these sports show that they really are the most united people I've ever seen. I mean, it is no coincidence that the Western countries are better at the more invidualistic sports like athletics and swimming and srchery and judo and fencing and lovemaking. Honestly, the Michael Phelps 8 gold medals things makes me wanna slap his face. Shouldn't it be more about US than about himself? I mean, Federer looked damn proud just to be able to be the flag-bearer for Switzerland. Shouldn't Phelps learn some humility? Oh wait... he is American.

And this just pisses me off. http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2008/aug/11/olympicgames.divingdaley
On the side note, I think the picture is weird so many ways. Honestly... it is one of the most unintentionally hilarious pictures i've ever seen.

Ok, enough rant about China. I really do hope China does top the medal count in the end. It is too early to reach any conclusions, especially when the host country usually leads the medal board for the first few days. I don't know why, but Australia led the board for half the days in Sydney before US caught up. And Greece was surprisingly leading for about 2 days before it got taken over. Let's hope China is able to hold up.

And now, so a bit of political incorrectness.

thank god for this 1.5 stars movie

2008-08-01T15:41:39Z

I don't think The Straits Times understood what Jack Neo represents in the hearts of Singaporeans. Yes, his scripts are usually too fantastic and incredible to be anything near reality. His characters are mere caricatures that have almost no depth beyond their one-dimensional characterizations. His lame attempts at the use of computer graphics (even when they have exactly no function to the plot or the whole presentation of the movie whatsoever) are irritating. But honestly, these considerations are secondary to Jack Neo's magic.

I started crying halfway through the movie when the first emotional scene happened, when the first emotional hokkien song was played. Somehow, the crying was kinda sustained throughout until the end of the movie. It was terribly embarassing considering that I was watching with my parents and I really didn't want them to see me cry. It was also a horrible feeling cuz I didn't fill up my water bottle, so I became dehydrated and cried until I didn't have any more tears left. And that's a sucky feeling... honestly... to not be able to tear when you cry. It is almost like you were shitting half way through and you are forced to leave the toilet and leave half the shit still stuck in your bowels, you just feel incomplete and unsatisfied.

My point is, Jack Neo, despite the poor cinematography and acting, has the power to provide the mirror for Singaporeans to reflect. He has the ability to flash out what Singaporeans really are, and unlike others, people actually pay attention to him. But these moments of self-reflection only come by when Jack actually produces something worth watching (as opposed to Ah Long Pte Ltd, I am embarassed just for remembering that it exists). Albeit the predictable plot, deliberate slow-motion sequences, and stereotypes (high-income earner with the blue-tooth phone perpetually attached to his ear... I wonder whether i should scoff or laugh), Money No Enough 2 showed that Singaporeans are a lot more than the usual undesireable traits like money-mindedness.. we are still loving humans in the end. The triumph of love over the obsession with money is a predictable theme, but it is nevertheless highly identifiable and something you can only find in a local-flavoured production. Yes, it was cheesy. Yes, it was Ch 8 drama. But still, I am not embarassed thaT I cried along with half the theatre. At least I can say I am still human.

And now.. time for mandatory comment on actors. I LOVED LOVED LOVED Lai Meng as the Mother. I think a big part of how she was so identifiable for me was cuz that image she portrays is so alike my grandmother's, and that was probably the reason why I've been crying for the whole of the 2nd half. I love the Grandma's obsession with Hokkien shows. I love the Grandma's insistence in assuming the role as the all protecting matriarch. I love the Grandma's excitement at the little things in life. I love how her life simply revolves around her children. I love how she represents all mothers of that generation of people. Mothers nowadays seem so much more complicated. On the other hand, I thought for C-grade artistes, Henry Thia and Lin Ru Ping did a spectacular job in totally stealing the show from other more popular people. Vivian Lai's casting was a bit weird, but I guess she is one of the few who can speak hokkien fluently.

I despise myself for having just written an entire paragraph about mediacorp artistes.

Anyway, I feel fortunate that I have quite a firm grasp of hokkien and that I can understand most of the dialogue without looking at the subtitles. I think the identifiability of the movie also came from the hokkien. The emotional hokkien songs would have been jarring if I did not have prior exposure to these kinda songs in general before. They are very much like country songs. They are for the lower-class, and themes of the songs are quite the same (about life and inevitabilities of human existence). During the movie, a particular song's verse kept repeating, but at the last emotional scene, the chorus of the song finally went on and it was super touching... I later realised that Jack Neo wrote all the lyrics to the movie's hokkien songs.

If I managed to write a 5 paragraphed account on Money No Enough 2 and dun actually feel bad about it, it probably means that it really was that enjoyable. I say it was enjoyable, but not necessarily a good movie. If one is proficient in hokkien, has an emotional drive and a cute, slightly plump grandmother... this is definitely the movie for you. If not, it really isn't that bad anyway.

The Dark Knight

2008-07-20T07:39:54Z

But the script, which Nolan co-wrote with his brother Jonathan, is an unusually thoughtful meditation on our collective day-to-day struggle against corruption and how, in an increasingly anarchic world, it is getting harder to play always by the rules. As Harvey Dent (played by Aaron Eckhart), a straight-arrow politician, tells Batman: ``You thought we could be decent men in an indecent world. You're wrong.''

''It feels like there's something futile in an attempt to play by the rules when the rules have all been pulled down around you,'' Nolan says. ``It's really a question of to what extent are you hampering yourself in the fight against evil by adhering to the tenets of good? Batman is the most dangerous of superheroes because he's driven by anger and the desire for revenge. How far can you go before you cease to be on the side of good?''

Nolan stops short of saying that The Dark Knight is intended as a commentary on modern-day world affairs and the U.S. war on terrorism.

''We wanted to give story elements real weight and write about the things that frighten us,'' Nolan says. ``We live in the same world as everyone else. But I wouldn't necessarily want the film to be interpreted as a specific political statement.''

But the fact that such a reading of The Dark Knight is even possible is a testament to the overall maturity of the film.

I kind of despise the viral marketing of the film by WB. I think the film deserves something more subtle than that. The Dark Knight had moved beyond just a cool superhero movie, and it is now a thinking movie that so few of us have the ability to appreciate or comprehend. It should not be treated as a regular summer movie people go gaga over because of the coolness of the marketing or the awesomeness of the Batpod.

"Why so serious?" Because it was meant to be so serious.

I feel lucky to be doing Literature Paper 4 for A Levels. Gotham City is the ultimate imagined other world. All the themes about control and morality and anarchist ideology is so defined within all my texts. I feel lucky to be able to appreciate Christopher Nolan's message more.

incredibellium @ 2008-07-16T23:15:00

2008-07-16T15:54:40Z

I attempted to write this post in ProEd language initially, but I guess my post turned out "a bit zhai"... so I gave up.

I looked happier then. With my awesome spike. Awesome (ProEd HP) class. Awesome friends. My nostils a bit 小.

I was tired, yet spirited.

I think I am very easy to crack. I will be like the econs question that everybody will just get A for. Like 21/25.

It is weird that people seem to know me so well even if I don't really talk to them. I marvel at Choonyen's ability to crack me like an econs question. I wish I had treated her better as my classmate. Some things just don't seem to change. Choonyen's paroxysm A BIT NOOB.

OK. PAISEH. My futile attempts at exerting my identity as a ProEdian probably isn't faring very well with the limited number of readers of this blog. So I shall stop.

Oh shit, did i just use the word "paiseh"? I shall now wage war on the use of this word. SERIOUSLY.

The Chinese High School

2008-07-13T13:34:55Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzOaIQH5OsM&NR=1

I chanced upon this. It is definitely a weird feeling watching this when it is almost exactly 4 years outdated.

For a moment, I feel like a Chinese High boy again. Those times when things seemed so simple. Those times when there would nearly be not a care in the world. Those times when the school had such an amazingly screwed-up scoring system that anyone could get 1.0. Those times when A1 was so easy to get and everything seemed to fall into the right places. I wanna go back to The Chinese High.

Find me my innocence.

escapism

2008-06-15T18:28:57Z

I slept the weekend away. I realised that sleeping might a prime reason for one's emo-ness. The dreamy state allows one to go into the idealistic state of mind and the intensity of the everyday life slips away. If one seeks to escape throug sleeping, it might perhaps lead one to the opposite direction, exploring one's problem's through sleeping and dreaming.

At this point I would like to proclaim that I have absolutely no motivation to start blogging about Nepla, cuz there are just so many things to reflect upon and so many things to talk about, and I dun think I have the stamina to do it. But I am also scared that I will forget about the details if I were to do it after blocks... sigh..

In any case, it might be perhaps fitting for me to pay homage to my beloved ESCAPISM SHIRT meanwhile.

INTRODUCING... me and my Escapism shirt!!!I love love LOVE my ESCAPISM shirt.

Clique, escapism shirt and panoramic view... and also my bulging tummy...

me, my escapism shirt and a view fitting of a vacation for a GREAT ESCAPE

Me, yi cheng and my escapism shirt

me, khee xuan and my escapism shirt

me, melvin and my escapism shirt

tentmates... and my escapism shirt

This is a particularly nice picture of me and my escapism shirt... and the guy in my class i nicknamed 'the chauvinist'. I used to play monkey with him with another guy. He is quite pro at being the monkey.

me, my escapism shirt and the boy I nicknamed 'claire soon'... cuz he is really diligent and really smart.. and very polite. easily the best student in class.

me, my uber ugly tan, my teaching partners, my escapism shirt and my Level 2 class with their lovely forlorn faces. They aren't actually that sad and forlorn... prolly too used to Unicef going to their village trying to take fake pictures of forlorn children to attract donations.

no escapism shirt... i just like this picture

clique bonding session at the ever-familiar table tennis table. It was mainstream versus geper match...

This picture is weird...

incredibellium @ 2008-05-23T23:36:00

2008-05-23T16:23:27Z

也是深情 plays in the background on my computer as I type into the blank box on the screen once again. The lyrics seem too simple, too clear... especially the chorus strikes me particularly hard.

Wednesday marked my last performance, and last official practice with the choir. It was particularly weird that my last should be for an event as significant as Arts Fest. But maybe it was for the best. The entire day was very relaxed, with moments for me to recollect on past songs, past memories, and really to just put my heart down and really to just settle myself for tomorrow.

Recalling Gamelan was fun. Being able to sing Calme again was a blast. The spirit of the song exist at the heart of chords and binds the voices so magically together as one. I forgot why choir can be what it is, because I seem to only think about the boring and arduous repetition of songs and lines and notes, but I forgot that in the end, it is music that we make. And this music contains the magic of the human spirit.

I was telling rachel and kylie the other day that I think I have been unknowingly corrupted by HP for about a year. Corrupted by the individualistic nature of the programme, corrupted by the way people in HP think, and corrupted by my own emoness and own inability to be more self-aware. I have no idea where all my passion went. I have no idea where all my heart and soul for the world went. They disappeared and never came back. Everything seems hollow, and I seem unable to love. I've been a fool all along. Believing in things and people I should have believed in. I clicked the self-destruct button for myself.

I blocked myself from choir since the beginning. I never wanted it to become what it could be. I never was open-minded enough to take it all in. Now when everything becomes clear, i only am not able to grab on to it. When i finally don't shun it, it slips away from me.

The moments after the performance were... very reflective and emotional. All the J2 guys seemed genuinely sad, which I found unexpected and sweet. Even Hoe Kit, whom I hardly talk to, came over to hug me. It was nice to know that I have made an impact in their choir life, and that my disappearance would have made a difference to them. For one, this proved what an asshole I've been to not feel the same way about them as they do about me. And it is also nice to note that I am not a random person in choir, but somebody who have contributed, despite my own personal attitudes. I was truly touched when I got a significantly louder applause. I feel like I got more appreciation than i deserve.

What can i say at this point? Fate works in it strange ways. Maybe the consolation is that I realised in the end, however late it may be. I mean, things fall into place so nicely all the time, and it was weird how much of a role Nepal played in parents' refusal to not let me go Graz. Karma is really a big fat bitch. What can I do? Maybe I really need to be punished for my sins. Maybe I really need to lose everything to be able to cherish what little I have left.

In the end, I really hope choir people do not lose faith in me and lose me... because I will never want to lose them. I will really have nothing if they lose faith in me. Jerry says sorry.

OK... I am leaving in 9 hours time and all I can think about is choir. Nepal trip is gonna be super weird and emo anf mug.

incredibellium @ 2008-05-20T08:03:00

2008-05-20T01:22:54Z

I ponned PE (as always) today so that I could do a little bit of work. In the end I found myself too emotionally hardpressed to accomplish much. I feel a renewed surge of pressure on myself, and my heart feels increasing heavy to carry. I feel somewhat ominous, like bad things are going to strike me soon... which, in a kind of far-fetched manner, leads me to this particular article that I chanced upon.

I saw this initially on Lian He Wan Bao (my parents don't actually buy this... my grandparents do). I found it interesting but somewhat sad and even frightened. Here is an english version of the article found on wikipedia.

Superstitious bloggers have linked China's earthquake disaster and other events in 2008 to the five Olympic mascots seen on posters across the nation, a Hong Kong newspaper reported on the 16th of May. Gossip sites are full of speculation that four of the five cartoon mascots have fulfilled prophecies of doom with one more, connected to the mighty Yangtze River, ominously still to come, the South China Morning Post said.

Jingjing, the panda, the animal most closely associated with Sichuan province where the earthquake struck. Huanhuan, the Olympic Flame, is being linked by bloggers to the Olympic torch which has been dogged by fierce anti-China protests on its round-the-world tour. Yingying, the Tibetan Antelope, is an animal confined to the borders of Tibet, which has been the scene of riots and the cause of international protest agianst China, the bloggers pointed out. Nini, represented by a swallow which has a shape of a kite, is being viewed as a reference to the "kite city" of Weifang in Shandong where China saw a deadly train crash last month. That leaves only Beibei, represented by a sturgeon fish, which online doomsayers suggest could indicate a looming disaster in the Yangtze River, the only place where Chinese sturgeons are found.

I always found the selection of the 5 characeters for the Fuwas a little weird. Somehow my mum keeps saying that should the Three Gorges Dam really rip apart, say by the effects of the aftermath of the quake, the whole of the river downstream would be flooded... and at the river mouth... is Shanghai... Leading to major economic crisis, major loss of lives and possible food and goods shortage around the world... and Beijing Olympics might not even happen as scheduled. Even if the Dam is not damaged, as reported, the landslides and the build up of river water might lead to flooding of other big towns or small cities, as seen on the newspaper where people are literally running away from their homes, and possibly leaving the remains of their loved ones behind.

I feel sad. Not to the point of tearing, but I just feel like China doesn't deserve of these things. And all these talk of ominous indications of doom just makes me think that my life is such a wreck, and I am just not prepared for even the slightest bit of setbacks. It was kind of weird that the snow disaster happened right after my family came back from China, and now the quake happened right at the places we visited. To imagine that all the good river-folks who had accompanied us upstream are now possibly suffering in this disaster, it makes me sad and really know life's unpredictability.

I felt bad when I dissed a PRC kid at bugis yesterday. I should have held his hand and said "I am sorry for your loss". I should have held him in my arms and say how proud I am of my Chinese ethnicity. I should have broken into a proud rendition of the Chinese National Anthem in the middle of Bugis to sing praise to the beloved mother land of the Middle Kingdom. My exaggerations aside... i really felt bad...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvZ3w1ks1jo&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRke2WKF-Ms

And now 2 very touching videos. It's amazing how people from Beijing could feel the same hearts as the people in Sichuan, although they are as far apart we are perhaps from like Myanmar. In Singapore we can't even be bothered if a Phillippino maid dies of accidentally far off the building cuz she was forced to clean the windows. It makes me sad. Singapore should have a disaster soon. A terrorist attack would be good.

The video of Zhong Guo Jia You provides a stark contrast to this. Although they essentially look like the same thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QwZz-w6how
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJBnHMpHGRY

I think I sound like a BSP/CLL/CSC/CSE person now... but I have my own fair share of attachment to this country. I did 2 years of HRP on Mao Zedong, which was really a magnificent experience since I've always been fascinated by how one man could single-handedly destroy the most populous country in the world. And I have visited the country 6 times. It's almost equivalent to about 8 weeks in China.

Maybe I am just doing this now to justify my going to Nepal. In a warped sense... reminding myself of the atrocities of our world makes my decision to go Nepal easier to justify. Maybe I am just supplementing my regret and sadness with more regret and sadness from the world around me. Maybe I am just making myself think more for the other people in the world so that my little setbacks and sadness won't mean anything at all. I need to talk about Graz. I need to clear my mind about so many things because... there just so many things to clear and settle. so many things to address... but I just do not have the time or mind to do it..

But I have to. OK... I really dun wanna make this post all about me. Again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bA1D9nTAmI&feature=related Do I a tinge of tears on Wen Jia Bao here?